i love those views - from above, zooming in and out.  it's a whole new perspective.  i try to picture what the area must be like, to be on the ground, walking thru that space, or yard, or house (with permission, of course).  what's the character of the area?  the feel?  texture? etc?

yet it's only 2 dimensional.  there's length, there's breadth, and that's it (x-coordinate and y-coordinate for those of you who are repeating 9th grade math with your kids!)  there's so much i have to fill in on my own - to infer or surmise, imagine.  i see green things, we'll call them plants, that appear to be overlapping each other, yet at ground level, where a new dimension is available, they may be simply of various heights, even spacious in their positioning.

it's like the difference of reading about, studying, even knowing the Kingdom 

as opposed to experiencing it

walking in it

living it

seeing and understanding a bigger picture of what it means to live in this new Kingdom, to actually . . . live in it . . . is where this is all going.  these thoughts aren't new to me.  they aren't even that novel.  over the last few years, many people have wrestled with these thoughts.  of course, when you consider i'm 46 and 46 minus a few years leaves a bunch (46 - few = bunch) of years that i have lived with one foot in and one out of the Kingdom.  that's a lot to undo, then redo.

so what am i saying . . .

this bigger picture, it makes my heart break.  there's lots of categories or descriptions of those for whom my heart breaks - homeless, impoverished, marginalized, lonely. though we overlook them, we generally know who they are.  but the more i think of it, i can best describe my heart break as being for the hopeless.

yeah, those who have lost hope. 

those who have lost hope can be found in any neighborhood, living in any house or behind any dumpster.  they can have any occupation or none at all.  teens on streets, or from broken homes.  teens from seemingly whole homes.

but what moves heartbreak from simple empathy to delivering hope?

how does a broken heart move a life?

heartbreak to hope.

it's a bit surprising to think of prayer that way - strenuous, wrestling.  but that's often how it is seen.  intense, focused, draining, yet life-giving.  there's a guy in the bible, the new testament, who's name is epaphras.  he's a friend of paul.  he prays for paul.  he's described as wrestling or struggling in prayer on behalf of paul and other followers of Jesus.

it's almost like prayer requires something of you.  like, everything!

yet, you don't go it alone.  there's this throne in the Kingdom, apparently.  I read about it.  the guy who wrote to the hebrews in a letter we affectionately call "the letter to the hebrews" describes it.  it is a throne where our King sits.  it's called the throne of grace.  and we are invited to "draw near" to it in our time of need.  it is here that Jesus gives us what we need in the moment that we need it - mercy, grace, help.

so, in the Kingdom, we give everything we have, but are given everything we need in order to give what we have.  hmmmm.

it is strenuous, yet we are given the strength.

this is on my mind tonight because i have a few people (me included) who really need prayer right now.  someone to wrestle on their behalf.  and i know it is going to require a lot from me, of me. and i'm wondering if i have enough to give.

so i guess this is that time to "draw near" to the throne of grace. 

excuse me while i draw near and prepare to wrestle. . . .. .

then i started reflecting on several of the other "Christmas" tv shows.  are they trying, whether in plain or subtle ways, to respond to that question?  what is their answer?

it seems that Christmas is either about the receiving or receiving (yes, i know i repeated that - not much on the giving part) of toys, or simply on people being together to enjoy each other and celebrate . . . people being together . . . celebrating.  is something missing here?

shrek and fiona had an especially difficult time because they seemed to be unaware that the very name of the holiday contains an obvious clue to the answer.  3 or 4 times fiona said, in a quite uncertain voice, that Christmas is about us being together, family and friends.   US?  us . . .  as she tried to enlighten shrek, she seemed to only confuse herself, less confident with each response.

in short, they repeatedly stumbled over themselves trying to not say "Christ".  but they had nothing else to offer.

maybe it would be helpful to just rename this holiday "us-mas" and eliminate the confusion. 

or maybe they, and I, could more clearly embrace the single-focus of Christ at Christmas. 

now that's worthy of a tv special, charlie brown!

what if it permeated my life?  now that'd be a switch!

i actually went to a grocery store on thanksgiving.  we needed ping pong balls or ice or a turkey or something.  in any case, as i watched the hurried and grumpy crowd rush in, grab the goods, pay and go, i saw a comical, yet insightful exchange.  a young couple, early 20's, walked frantically the registers trying to discern the layout of the store.  after they passed me, i heard what seemed to be the screaching of brakes and the rattle of an abruptly stopped shopping cart.  grumbles were exchanged.  an older gentleman, who had been pushing his cart rapidly down an aisle (dps cameras flashed him doing 50 i think), failed to yield to the young couple and just missed hitting them.  after the exchange, they parted ways.  as the older man passed me he called out to the couple "we're all in this together, you know!"

are we?  if so, how can i bring a new attitude that permeates my very being and then flows beyond me - even to stranges like the guy at the store?

after filling the box, we piled in the truck and headed out to make our delivery.  a (not so) funny thing happened as we neared the house.  i began to focus on the neighborhood, the houses, the surroundings.  it was a small development of some form of patio homes - near new - seemingly spacious.  one of the kids said what i was feeling but too embarrassed to say. 

how can these people need food from us?

we talked thru the reality that many people face today, the fact that we can't know a person's circumstances based on the home they happen to be living in.  as we talked, i could feel my own first impressions - first judgments - subsiding.

how could i jump so quickly to judgment?  shouldn't i know better?

this is one of the hard parts of living in the Kingdom.  i can no longer serve as judge.  i have to turn in my robe, my gavel (hammer thingy), my arrogance.  i have to allow the King to be the judge.

this is hard because at times i convince myself i'm pretty good at it.  it's hard because it means i have to see the value in others.  hard because i have to see the brokenness in me.  hard because . . . i have to admit i suck as a judge!

hard parts?  freedom!!

what scott said that knocked me off course was something like "blah blah blah indiscriminately give blah blah blah . . . "  not that the blah blah blah part was meaningless or insignificant, but rather the collision caused me to lose track of what he was saying and dwell deeply on this new phrase - indiscriminately give.  indiscriminately.

what would it look like for me to be willing to give without first making a detailed analysis of the recipient, whether person or cause?  what if i were more spontaneous?  more responsive?  more . . . giving?

it might just look like giving is less about control.

less about me.

i see that i walk in circles, eat in circles, think in them, live in them.  circles.

the book brought this to my attention.  what kind of circles do i live in?  what relationships?  are they homogeneous?  closed?  too much like me?  comfortable? common socio, same economic?

today, as i spent lunch recess walking around downtown phx, i saw those people that i leave out of my circles.  at first i barely noticed them.  but soon they became more visible.  as i saw others reacting to them , staring at them, commenting about them, or worse yet, being completely indifferent toward them - then i saw them.  most sat quietly, seemingly oblivious to the pedestrian commotion around them.  some asked meekly for a buck.  a very few shouted, blared messages thru megaphones, or sang loudly.  

invisible people.  not in my circles.

i need new circles.

then i remembered, we've been having a bit of an escalating "situation" with someone in the area, someone of the teenage persuasion.  recently there was mention of possibly "decorating" our home with eggs.  was tonight the night?

i went in the house to set my stuff down and then went for a walk.  maybe other homes in the area were also decorated similarly.  after a brief tour of the neighborhood, it was clear that we alone were blessed with such a creative, yet thoughtfully organic, enhancement to our home - and truck!!  i extended my walk for about 30 minutes to calm down and gather my thoughts.

now, most people wouldn't guess it, but my mind works pretty fast at moments like this, though not always for the good.  ideas raced thru my brain as to how i could best respond - a bucket and brush with a note saying "see you at 6AM" on the suspect's doorstep?  an egg with a msg written in sharpie placed unbroken on a windshield? target practice with 2 dozen grade AAA's? duct tape a couple of foster farm's finest and let 'em poop on his car all night?  cops?  raging pounding on his door until his parents come out? ahh, but what if the responsible party is not who i think it is?

or is there a way to handle this as though i live for a different purpose, under the reign of Another, in a unique Kingdom?  i know i do.  i know it.  but at times like this it is exceptionally hard to actually live it.  i want to render justice, to make things right.  to feel "satisfied".  then i will feel better.  i will feel vindicated. 

and my neighbor can look me square in the eye and say "that's just what i would've done"

so true.  important msg.  necessary reflection for followers of Jesus.

not necessarily the main point of these parables.

as came out in our discussion, i believe the main point is that Jesus wants us to embrace, to see the immeasurable, incalculable value of the Kingdom of heaven.  what if i could grasp that?  what if i saw daily how exceedingly abundantly the Kingdom surpassed the value of anything . . . everything . . . in my life? 

would i count the cost any longer?  or, with abandon, would i sell everything . . .

i'm familiar with the trooper. it's been a part of my life for 14 years.  i know it's noises and weaknesses.  i know that it's slow but can climb a tree in 4 wheel drive. i've taken it thru 3 major surgeries (its, not mine). i know that the a/c sucks, the heater's great, where its blind spots are, it's (lack of) acceleration, and that the radio stops working when i go over bumps.  i know it.

so why can't i let it go?

the truck far outperforms the trooper.  it's newer, more comfortable, elicits fewer laughs from passers-by, it's comparatively a great vehicle!

so why am i hung up on the old, less valuable vehicle when a newer, better one is at hand . . .

ok, a bit facetious.  actually, i'm amazed at how i'm feeling, overall. in the past, election cycles were stressful, anxious, draining.  i felt like so much was riding on the outcome.  never does everyone and everything i vote for actually win, but i'd get wired up thinking about it - even obsessing.

this cycle has seemed outwardly more intense and hostile than most.  so many candidates to choose, so many attacks, so many propositions, like hundreds (one was even numbered 202!  i must've overlooked a few) and judges, oh the judges.  i used up 2 pens and a sharpie on my mail-in ballot and almost resorted to crayons.  yet now with most results in, i find that, again, i didn't pick all of the winners - so now it's anger, frustration, fear . . . or peace?  PEACE!?

yeah, oddly, peace.

my disposition has surprised me.  and i'm kinda scrambling to understand why (i know, just let it be, don't overthink - like that's even possible).  was i conflicted about my choices in the first place?  did the things i cared about most work out and those that didn't were less important? 

maybe.

but i think it's better explained with this.  as we've entered into these parables about the Kingdom of heaven (matthew 13) the last couple of weeks, and as i've been immersed in prep/planning/strategery, i think my focus has been changing.  my care/hope/intentions are not on the current political or social climate with a distant hope for Jesus to make things right one day.  no, instead they are more and more intent on the Kingdoom that IS and that will continue unendingly. 

this is my reality.  my desire. my responsibility.

not to abdicate any responsibility for the culture God has placed me in, but instead to fulfill that responsibility as one who lives and resides in His Kingdom, who recognizes that how i influence and support and give voice into this culture should be as one who serves the King.

if i can be faithful to this Kingdom responsibility, it should result in an even greater impact and influence in the culture around me.

when i experience one of those moments where God reveals Himself, whether in the simple or the profound, i find that i cannot re-express the moment in a way that others can enter into it.  this frustrates me because i capture these moments all the time - they're starting to pile up in my brain!  individually, they are stuck, no way out.  collectively, though, i think i'm starting to see how God draws them out of me.  it's like this, the moments don't stand in isolation, but build on each other and, together, open my eyes, my soul, to a deeper truth about God, a closer connection with Him - greater intimacy.  these composite thoughts/experiences have a much easier time flowing out of my soul in a form and place that others can see.

here's where i think it's happening - when i do "creative" things of any kind (most recently it's been landscaping) it is an expression of all of these brain-locked/soul-locked experiences.  i have several moments of seeing the beauty of God and, while i can't share any one of them well, they all flow together thru me as i, uh, scape land (is that how you say that?).  the beuaty (from my perspective at least) that results is not only a reflection of His beauty, but my expression of it as well.  making sense?  i'm just starting to see this and enjoy it for what it is.

next, i hope to express/reflect this thru photography.  this form will truly be, at best, "a baby only a mother could love."  but, hey, it's worth a "shot".

i'll stop now . . .

and here's where things break down for me - i have some encounter or moment of seeing beauty and capture it in my mind.  yet when i want to share it with others . . . i got nothing.  no way of expressing the moment , no way of giving life to it thru some new form.  i've tried drawings before - not much value in a stick figure of a flower.  i would sing but that would require others to listen and the goal is to bless, not create discomfort.  i used to play a trombone, but how often have you heard an unplugged session with a trombonist. i could tell people - so there was this flower and it was in the crack of a building's foundation and it was yellow and green . . . it was awesome - no.

photos?  blurry.  poetry?  there once was a man from nantucket . . . then nothing. video? I blame the camcorder.  frustration.

what options are there?  how can i share what i've experienced?  i need an outlet, an expression, i'm about to explode!  then it dawned on me.  what if i share the moment, the experience with the One who first shared it with me.  He would understand, He would appreciate my inadequate re-living, He would get it.

i think i actually did this tonight.  i was at the nursery today (plants, not kids) and was overwhelmed with the variety of colors, textures, sizes, scents, blossoms, etc.  it took me almost 2 hrs to choose a dozen plants for my yard because i wanted all of them!  then tonight i was at a gathering with several leaders within portico and we were praying, acknowledging God and His greatness.  i thanked Him for my experience today at the nursery, told Him how the beauty and variety of plants reminded me of the beauty and variety within portico.  while i wasn't eloquent, i am comforted in knowing that His Spirit spoke on my behalf, sharing the experience in my heart with Him in ways He could understand and that i couldn't express. 

i wonder if my experience at the nursery today was all He hoped it would be for me . . .

I saw a man fall today.  he was older - probably 80's.  tall in stature, he was likely strongand capable when younger, but now, somewhat frail, unstable.  he and his wife walked the neighborhood where i was working.  they stopped to throw a tennis ball back to their friends playing on the community court.  they, the friends, joked about having his wife throw the ball so that it would make it over the fence.  he mustered all his might and threw . . .  and fell . . . hard.  hurt, both in body and spirit, he struggled to gain composure and stand.  speechless and weak in the legs, he was hoisted by his friends.  he muttered nothing intelligible as his wife led him home.

i saw a man fall today.  his dignity crushed in front of his friends, his wife.  no longer the physical specimen he once may have been.  no longer invincible.  today his mortality crashed hard on the ground.

i hope he recovers quickly, physically, that is.  emotionally, in dignity, this may take awhile. a man's dignity can be so fragile.  frail.  once cracked or shattered, it is so difficult to rebuild, to restore.

dignity - what gives a person dignity?  on what do we base it?   where do i seek it?  how do i muster it?  if any of these questions is answered with "me" or "i" then some day, maybe soon, i will fall . . . hard.  dignity lost.

what if dignity has another source, if it comes from a place outside of me.  a place where i cannot go to shatter it.  i cannot, crush it, lose it . . . define it.  what if my dignity comes from One who not only ascribes my value, but sustains it.  what if there was One who could not only hold "all things together" but One Whom all things were created for and through?  what if that One can take my weak moments, well i screw up, when i act broken, when i fall, and reveal His strength?  what if He determines my dignity.  your dignity.

i saw a man fall today. 

now, what about those invisible ones whom i don't cross (or rather, avoid) paths with?  am i up for letting this actually cost me? Or will i stop with the simple, less dangerous moves?

invisible. this might be it, the description that, for me, clearly identifies the people i tend to push to the margins of life, of significance.

it's like this. last week i was at work at the airport.  a co-worker i knew was walking across the ramp (tarmac, except it isn't made of tar, mack) directly towards me. she smiled and waved and so I waved back, but she continued to wave. feeling awkward, i waved again.  just then, another ramper walked past me from behind - almost thru me, as if i weren't physically there - and waved to my co-worker. she put her hand down and started talking to him. at no point did she acknowledge my wave, my presence. i felt minimized, insignificant . . . invisible! it was as though i did not exist.

if only this were the first time it had happened. we've all been there, all been looked thru, not at. we've all felt that empty feeling of seemingly being non-existent ("being" non-existent? is that even possible? those moments are confusing at best, painful at worst. what if this was a daily experience. worse, what if it was my only, continual, experience. for some, this is their story.

who do i look thru - always? who to me is invisible? how can i make them visible again.

NOTE: i found some pictures of homeless people in San Fran online - shared a couple of them with others at portico. what is so powerful about these pictures is that, first, they look familiar to me, as if subconsciously i've seen these faces hundreds of times before but looked right thru them. second, the photographer put a brief bio or story with each one, reminding me that these are real people, people with a story, with value.

i urge you to check out these pictures/stories - they will open your eyes! see them at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/stoneth/

just hangin' out . . .

feel like i should be doing something . . .  

so i helped out at the christmas luncheon in tempe on dec. 22.  eric was down from NAU and came along as well (what an amazing servant!!!  i learned lots from you, eric!).  all in all it was a great experience - between 1300-1700 meals served on that day and christmas day with the remaining food, a hundred or so served in the restaurant, people from many churches joined together in beautiful unity, lots of conversations with those being served - a wonderful experience for all who were touched on either side of the food line.  i'd do it again . . . i think.

at the end of the day, as eric and i parted ways (did i mention how amazing he was?) i immediately began reflecting on what had happened.  there was a i had  kenny g (not the sax player, the homeless guy) who just wanted someone to know his story, where he came from, how he got here, where he was going next.  i listened, not out of obligation, but because he was interesting to me, i think i cared or something.  he then introduced me to his "good friend martin" who later told me his name was really "mark" but no one was keeping score.  

i sat with jeremy and, as i heard his story and his current needs, i discovered how resource-deficient i am.  his biggest need was to connect with a certain guy in tempe (couldn't remember his name).  i told him to wait and speak to gary, the guy who organized the lunch and was in a conversation in the booth next to us at the moment, because he would have resources for jeremy.  turned out, gary was the guy jeremy was trying to contact!  so maybe jeremy didn't need my resources, but God's.  and maybe God wanted me to see that.

there were others, but these stood out.  but i sensed an incompleteness to the day, at least for me.  i felt like it shouldn't end that way.  now this lunch event was incredible, but in the end, it was just that, an event.  it served a wonderful purpose, blessed many, taught believers to shed labels and serve in unity, etc, etc. and even etc.!  but it missed what God is pushing me towards, and, if i may, us towards.  it made me begin to think of how this kind of event could be a starting place/connecting point in new relationships that then continued from there.  maybe i would find ways to continue in the lives of "kenny" or "mark (martin)" or "jeremy".  maybe the blessing would not be for a day . . . or only from me to them . . . maybe it would be just the beginning.  what if it happened in downtown chandler next year and we partnered with others in the immediate area and . . . or what if it happened in d/t chandler NEXT MONTH as we celebrated Jan. 24th, a day that only comes once a year!  what if a homeless church (by today's definition) began serving homeless people, and under-resourced, and disabled/isolated/lonely/marginalized/(fill inappropriate adjectives) people?

what if it wasn't about my (lack of) resources?   what if it was about God's . . . 

this is a terrifying moment . . . what if . . . 

when i was a kid, the biggest letdown of the year was the hour after presents were opened (which, back then, was about 7:50am on christmas day!).  today, the most relieved time of the year is the hour after presents are opened . . . (wow, like "don't let the pendulum hit your butt on the way out!) 

oh, yeah, the post on prayer . . . i'm reading another book - (re)understanding prayer by kyle lake.  kyle was pastor at university baptist church in waco (where the crowder band lives) until his unexpected death by electrocution during baptisms one sunday (true story).  kyle expresses so much of what i am experiencing/longing for - frustration with the formulas, the compartmentalizing, "prayer in the box" (on ciabatta bread, of course), and a deep desire to understand/experience prayer as a continuous conversation only temporarily interrupted by things like sleep and, ehem, other moments that people should only experience alone (i'll never understand how people can talk on cell phones while in the bathroom - especially in public bathrooms!) 

the problem with experiencing prayer continuously is that it is difficult to measure, to quantify - did you pray today? (yes) how many times? (several, or just one) how long each time? (10 min, then 5, 12 seconds the next time, then 15 min, then, oh, I don't know, i'm not keeping track!)  the good thing about experiencing prayer coninuously is that it reflects a true relationship, it requires constantly acknowledging "presence", it is what paul means when he says "pray without ceasing"  i want to (and am, for the most part) experience prayer less like a phone call (oh, i need to tell God something . . . now what's His number again?  isn't it on speed dial?  dang, when did i call Him last?) 

. . . and more like a long walk or a day hike, the kind where you spend a lot of time walking the same path with someone, enjoying a conversation that spans many topic, both related to the hike at hand and to life in general, along with times of silence and just experiencing the presence of the hiking companion.  

i feel like i need someone to give me permission to pray this way. it just seems too easy, seems to flow or be in rhythmn too effortlessly.  most of my "training" in being a christian seemed legitamized by its difficulty, its UNnatural-ness, its arhythmia (which, apparently is a bad thing for the body, right Eric?).

so, i'm thinking, don't pastors "give permission" for us to live a certain way? am i not a pastor?  permisson requested . . .

. . . done 

back to my prayer - i wondered if i was that type of person as i dealt with this weighty matter.

now on to Willard again - he asks what was God doing in me (around me, through me, "any other preposition" me) when i experienced the greatest growth.  seminary was one of those times - i read heavily, contemplated deeply, and experienced significant molding and transforming.  along with the reading, though, i realized that God brought me into circumstances that caused my reading/contemplating/etc to be pushed otu of my brain, my heart, and into my life, my actions.  I think Jesus favored this pattern - teach, teach, teach, now send out to live out, come back for more teaching, then sending.

back to my prayer - God why am i struggling with this weighty matter so much, in how to handle it, how to respond, how to initiate?  then it dawned on me - i've been inconsistent with my reading/contemplating/absorbing/etc - i'm a bit depleted, so now this weighty matter is calling for strength, for  reserves that are depleted - reserves of imbibing/abiding in the Holy Spirit, strength from being a branch attached to the vine, the vine which brings life.

Willard clenches it for me - am i someone who is being filled with all the fullness of God?

so i pray - God fill me with Your fullness - draw me into Your presence, Your Word - cause me to thirst for You, then satisfy my thirst

btw - hope you find blessing in the content of this conversation - the main point, as it relates to prayer, is that tonight i engaged in a conversation with God.  i spoke to Him thru my spirit using my heart/thoughts/reflections.  He spoke to me thru His Spirit using His still, small voice, His written word, His faithful servant Willard, and a tough situation in life. 

we heard each other.  

interesting - i've "prayed scripture" before and it is not only an awesome way to express my thoughts, my heart to God, but additionally it is a way to somehow join with the earliest saints, in a sense with paul himself, as i express the same thoughts, same words (except in english, of course) that early believers did.  what a powerful connection to the greater, universal body of believers.  once again, it's not about me. 

it's bigger, much bigger . . . 

because of where i'm at, the conclusion of this book had many "a-ha" moments for me (my light may have lower wattage than most, but it still fires up on occassion!).  with each one, i found myself pausing to ask God for clarity and greater insight on each of these moments.  i asked, i paused, i listened . . . i heard.  i hadn't planned on praying at this time, formally, it just happened.  

normally, i would let an a-ha moment be a thing in and of itself and then move on (like, wow, that was awesome . . . let's go ride bikes).  from now on, i'm going to pursue them to see if God is using an a-ha to invite me into deeper conversation.

have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you were yakking away when suddenly in dawned on you that they had something they wanted to interject into the conversation? what if in that instance you felt particularly benevolent and decided to allow them to speak, did you find that rather than listening you were trying to remember the next thought you wanted to express?

this would describe how i feel when i pray according to a prescription or formula - except that i'm not even aware that God may want to speak!! what if my praying more closely reflected my breathing - both in and out - speaking and listening - not monologue and silence, but interwoven, integrated, in and out, in and out. what if i paused to listen, not just to be polite but to actually . . . listen . . . and what if my subsequent comment was a response to what I just heard rather than a continuation of my previous statement.

what if it wasn't about me . . . .

starting to investigate prayer in new and various forms.  check out the article that was in our most recent newsletter as a primer for the next several blog posts.  reading "the sacred way" by tony jones.  he talks about several prayer forms that have been part of the church for centuries but have largely been abandoned by the protestant church.  over the next week or so i plan on experiencing a few of these as i try to understand the place these forms had in the lives of believers of the past.

for today - spent time in prayer while driving tonight, but I tried something new.  i spent time listening as well as speaking.  not as easy as it might seem.  i had to continually remind myself to be quiet!  why is this so hard?  why do i feel compelled to "speak?"  awkward if it is "silent?" (keep in mind, i am praying silently this whole time so it's not like my "talking" provides any break from the physical silence around me)

i think it is difficult for me because if i am silent, i am not driving the conversation - it's not dependent on my desires/wishes/thoughts or, worse yet, suggestions (i.e.  "God, please help me by doing this or causing this other person to do that, etc, etc) my being silent causes me to wait, to release control, to let God talk.

as i listened tonight, He gave me insight into the situation i was bringing before Him.  we conversed . . .  

Part of what I learned these last 2 weeks is that solitude has to be more than just being alone with your thoughts.  I drive to work with the radio off so I can think, have solitude, prepare for the day.  It's good, it's helpful, but is it all that solitude can be?

So how is this different than, or something short of what solitude should be, can be?  What I've found is that one of the keys to fruitful solitude is the source or focus I bring into that time.  If I come into that time with a blank slate, I find that I'm easily distracted, side-tracked, unfruitful.  If I come into it with something specific - a passage, a section of a book, a message on my ipod - something to give direction and focus, then I find that listening/reading, contemplating, absorbing, reflecting (yeah, all of that type of stuff) has much more meaning.  It truly moves me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus - I know Him more, I commune with Him.  

This means that solitude should not be about my thoughts of the moment, nor should it be about learning more about Jesus -  it should be experiencing Him in depth and intimacy.

It's been several days since the "wiener dog incident". I've been out of town, working landscaping, and working on the ramp. So this is a make-up post to get things caught up.

THURS - 10/11 - SOLITUDE IN THE CAR
we drove to carlsbad, CA for a little camping by the beach. I had the boys and a friend with me in the trooper for the 6, no 7, no almost 8 hour drive (we made some stops). Spent some solitude time while the boys were doing their own thing during the drive. Meditated on the concept of Jesus as King - my source was several passages I had been reading as I was preparing to teach on Sun. I was considering what it means for me to follow a King.


SAT - 10/13 - SOLITUDE ON THE BLUFFS ABOVE THE BEACH
after spending the morning "surfing" (that's code for hanging on to a big blue rented board while the waves beat the breakfast out of me) i had some time alone in our campsite. it was on the bluffs overlooking the south carlsbad state beach. had read earlier about the eternal plan of God for Jesus to be King and so i reflected on His eternal nature. the ocean, for those who've seen it, seems to have no end, just like my King.


SUN - 10/14 - SOLITUDE BACK AT HOME AFTER OUR WEEKLY GATHERING
spent about an hour in solitude contemplating the color and texture of the inside of my eyelids (at least that's what i'm telling people!) few insights, discovered i needed more rest.

MON - 10/15 - SOLITUDE WHILE GETTING TIRES
trying to block out how much a new set of tires cost, i was reading "renovation of the heart" by that dallas willard. impacted by his statement that the ideal Christian life is "one where all of the essential parts of the human self are effectively organized around God" and "spiritual formation in Christ is the process leading to that ideal end." in other words, spiritual formation is the process of transforming me to live a life that is holistically (all of me in all i do) under the headship of Christ. all of me, in all i do.

THURS - 10/18 - SOLITUDE ON THE RAMP AT SKY HARBOR
had a break in the morning - no planes on the ground and a starbucks in hand - and was reading another willard book - hearing God. he wrote this "the watchword of the worthy servant is not mere obedience but love, from which appropriate obedience naturally flows." what does it mean to love God and allow obedience to be the response? how is it different than living obediently? what if i do everything right but do not really, at the end of the day, love Jesus?


this is a quick summary of the last few days - solitude in different environments, alone or in the midst of others, contemplating Scripture or the writings of others, but all with a clear focus on Jesus and a desire to truly know Him.

In spite of the mini-circus flying all around me, I had a decent moment of solitude. My expectation for solitude is that I would have a time (30 min or more) of being alone so I can read and/or reflect on things of God - His Word, what He's doing in my life or in those around me. This is a time to reflect more deeply, to contemplate, even meditate, not just to take in or learn new information. No, this is a time to seek insight and understanding from the Holy Spirit so as to imbibe and indwell the things I've read or learned.

This morning I was focusing on passages that revealed Jesus as King (sounds like a great message topic!) and His Spirit led me to consider all kinds of implications this fact has in my life and in ours as a community. Later, when I was buying new tires, rather than contemplating the potential tread life or the load and speed ratings of several tires, I found I was still contemplating the thoughts from my time of solitude.

This was cool - a discipline breaking into my life rather than being confined to a place outside of life!

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So these last 2 days I've discovered just how hard it is to find time/space to experience silence. the weekend was a whirl wind - non-stop - and Mon and today I worked long days and was too tired to even think about seeking silence (that is, apart from totally unconscious sleep!!). tonight I travel to NYC with Katie for a "day" trip. if i can stay awake . . . silence?

Posted by steve at portico

I've got a plan this time. I'm going for a walk late at night (in just a few moments) and I'm hoping to experience silence. In the past I've found that I can be in a crowded and noisy place yet read or study undisturbed. But silence requires more than blocking out exterior distractions. As I found yesterday, the biggest distractions come from within.

so here's my plan - before leaving, I'm going to select a verse or brief passage to help me focus. i'll repeat it in my mind until i'm immersed in it - all other thoughts set aside. then i will see where God leads, what He says from there. if unrelated thoughts speak up, i'll repeat the passage again. hopefully i will experience, even if for only brief moments, a new type of silence.

hopefully i won't get hit by a car . . .

Posted by steve at portico

silence - this involves removing yourself from all noise and distraction so that you can listen intently to the "voice" of God. So I looked for the right place to experience silence today. Tried the drive to work - 4AM - should be quiet, right? lots of noise, traffic noise, unintelligible, but still noise.

At work, tried the walk from security to the time clock - only about 2.5 minutes. Too many distractions. What about sitting outside at the airport between flights - about 30 minutes at one point. Lots of ambient noise again but I got earplugs this time.

At this point, I realized where the biggest distraction keeps coming from - ME! My brain, it won't shut up! Not that it has anything of importance to say. I am finding that I "talk" continuously in my head.

So it's not just about "where" I seek silence . . .

Posted by steve at portico

A guy named Dallas Willard wrote a book about breathing, well, he called it the Spirit of the Disciplines, but he cold've called it Breathing. He talks about how to breathe as a way of life, to incorporate spiritual disciplines into the flow of life. He looks at different ways in which we breathe and lists them as activities of "abstinence" or of "engagement" - ways in which we withhold from things or ways in which we intentionally participate.

As I relearn/rethink breathing, this seems like a good framework for me. Ways of abstaining - solitude, silence, fasting, things like these. This is where I'll begin, stepping back, seeking to understand solitude, and hoping to regain a rhythm of breathing.

I used to like to watch the steeplechase in the Olympics (though I never saw the steeple they were chasing) because these guys would seem to effortlessly fly over all of these obstacles - water holes, hurdles, large rocks, people with swords - it was crazy! My life, metaphorically, seems to resemble a steeplechase and it isn't quite so effortless. Now I remember those days in high school when I used to run or play ball. I remember what it felt like to run hard and even (somewhat) fast and still feel good, energized. There was a rhythm to my running, my breathing, and I felt like I was gliding. I also remember times when that rhythm was interrupted - obstacles, bumping others, changing directions - it was much harder, I struggled, and I sought that rhythm of breathing.

Right now, my breathing is out of rhythm.

I am seeking rhythmic breathing (which is nothing like rhythmic dancing and the music is far better), breathing that sustains and energizes, that provides and propels. Breathing God, so to speak. Often we look to the "spiritual disciplines" for such breathing but equally as often these become things we do outside of and isolated from life, breaking rhythm, like sucking on an inhaler for a momentary fix, correction. I feel compelled to start here because beleivers throughout history have found life and breath in them. But how can I allow them to be my oxygen, not my inhaler, my every breath, not an occassional theraputic breath . . . every breath.

This is where I am. Follow if you'd like as I blog this journey in learning to breathe.

(Warning: if you experience dizziness or lightheadedness, stop holding your breath.)

But when is it not a good thing, but is instead harmful, limitiing? When does this keep us from God's intended best? If culture dictates the "line of inhibition" (I just coined that phrase, BTW) then it seems like anytime culture opposes Christ we have a problem. Funny, though, how a culture that so deeply needs to be redeemed so often serves as my guide. Like when it tells me to remain silent or to conform to its philosophy or norms or expectations of others. Like when it tells me my faith, my belief, things I really hold dear and firm are things to be ashamed of. I think I allow this.

An ancient writer said that we need to learn from those who've gone before us and then "let us throw off everything that hinders" us, things that constrain, that inhibit, and let's start running the race before us. Throw off sin? yes. Throw off too many good things that overwhelm? sure. But throw off inhibitions that are born out of a culture that is broken, fallen, and in so many ways in opposition to God - absolutely. And this is what I so often fail to see, or choose not to. But when I drop these inhibitions, I have the opportunity to not only oppose my culture, but to bless it. yeah, to bless it.

And that thought, blessing through opposition, opens a huge conversation of just "how" to oppose and bless. The church is typically good at opposing - but how to bless?

BTW - anyone what to go camping?

this very question was the main focus of a church council in the 4th century (Nicea) and was further clarified in the 5th cent. in Chalcedon - Jesus, 2 natures, without confusion, without change, without division, without separation, yet one person - fully human, fully divine. this gives me a pain in my head, like when I drink a slushy too fast - brain freeze - because my limited, finite mind cannot understand this (or even conceive it!).

jesus already made this clear - by saying "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life" (john 14:6) He affirmed that all He had testified about Himself was either truth or a lie. earlier He had identified Himself as "I AM" (john 8:58). strange use of a state of being verb - kind of missing the clarifying ending (I AM . . . what? hungry? tall? a gecko?) but to those who heard Him, He could not possibly have stated it more directly, more clearly, more difinitively - "I AM" is the name God used of Himself when Moses asked who He was - it defined Him as eternally existing - and is never used of anyone, anything else - ever - except when Jesus used it. Jesus, the man, said so clearly "I am God" that the crowd invited Him to a stoning . . . HIS!!

this all just reminds me that at easter, when we reflect on Jesus' horrendous death and celebrate His indescribable ressurection, many people, many religious groups will try to answer this question - who is Jesus? many will repeat the tired heresies of the past 2000 years while some will share the profound mystery of the Truth. over the opinions of people, consider the words of Jesus who said "I AM."

. . . and enjoy a good brain freeze!

Jesus tells people not to worry about mundane things - housework, what shoes to wear, whether to order the burrito supreme or the crunchwrap supreme, oh, and to not worry about what to say when you get arrested and put on trial for your life - stuff that is really meaningless, yeah.  But then I notice that Paul often says that worry, or "concern" (same word) is a good thing - a single person is concerned about the things of God, a married person is concerned about her spouse, believers should be equally concerned for each other.  in fact, Paul tells one group that he is sending them Timothy, one of his closest friends, because only Timothy shares the depth of Paul's concern for them.

 so what gives?  am I allowed to worry about things/people or not?  this is really starting to . . . uh, worry me . . . yeah.  I think the difference is that when Paul is telling them/us "do not be anxious" he says instead to put everything before God in prayer. we are to ask Him and thank Him, trusting that this will lead to the peace of God, which goes beyond our ability to grasp or understand, overwhelming us.  This peace is what allows us to carry the concerns of/for others out of our complete dependence on God - in His power, by His leading, with His peace.

so don't be anxious . . . order the crunchwrap supreme!

for the uninitiated, "blog" is a shortened version of web log . . . weblog . . . we-blog . . . clever, huh. I also just learned that "cell phone" is short for "cellular telephone" (i guess it get's its name because it's made up of living cells or something). a cell phone is a mobile telephone that apparently has more mobility than my cordless phone which always seems to drop calls when I drive away from my house . . . oh, well, it's certainly more convenient than dragging the phone cord down the road like i used to. amazing, I know! but enough with my recent discoveries in modern technology . . .

i am a quadragenarian - I only eat quads - no, I mean I am a 40+ year old guy. in 40+ years, you'd expect a person to have a lot figured out in life - faith, work, family, other categories. oddly, i'm finding i have less figured out each day. maybe a better way to say this is that the categories and segments of my life that i've always been taught are distinct and to be developed separately, in isolation from the others (have your quiet time, now go to work, come home and kiss your wife, hug the dog and put the kids out or vice versa, study for your professional board exam, watch 24, go to bed, repeat) are really much more interconnected. in fact, they are not just interconnected (which allows for disconnect) but they are enmeshed, blended . . . not like cords plugged in a power stirp, but like ingredients in brownie mix (btw i love brownies!) - so thoroughly blended and interdependent that, though distinguishable to some degree, they are without meaning or value in isolation.

You would never offer guests dessert in the form of some baking powder, a bit of cocoa, hunk of butter, oh, and have 2 raw eggs (okay, some of you would, but you really shouldn't!!). Yet we often present ourselves to others in just this way. and we focus on "spiritual things" in isolation of our family or work, or prepare for a promotion at work with no thought of spiritual things - we do, but we really shouldn't!

scott asked us when we gathered last week - Are we serious when we say we want to live wholeheartedly in the way of Jesus? i think this starts by saying that i will no longer allow my life - myself - to be segmented / divided / isolated. this "way of Jesus" will not have boundaries or proper settings in which to be lived / expressed, but it will consist of every moment from when my eyes open in the morning to when they close at night, every breath in and every breath out - hard stuff, really hard . . . impossible in fact. am I serious about this? then i need to prepare for the sort of transformation that comes only from God and results in me, a whole person, living in a new way, the way of Jesus.

so lent begins, so the journey continues . . .

p.s. in lieu of commenting on this post, please send brownies!